My running has been struggling this month as opposed to last. December I was on fire and just throwing up miles left and right. But this month seems a lot tougher for me to find the motivation. I definitely got a boost last night. I have mentioned before that my main fuel is anger. Yeah gels and water help too, but when I am feeling down or when my legs just do not want to keep going I look inside and get pissed. Sometimes my anger is directed only at myself and my inability to complete the task, but I also remember circumstances from my past and those really push me. I recall reading a story about Lance Armstrong and how he used his anger at his previous team and sponsors for ditching him when he was diagnosed for testicular cancer after publically stating they would stick by him. That’s sort of what I feel sometimes, minus cancer and a back room full of cash and yellow bracelets. There are a few main circumstances I go too when I really need a push. Last night I was afforded another.
What happened was that I shared experiences, thoughts, etc. with someone that I believed in. I cared for this person and never would expect a violation of that trust. Not only because it is not right, but because they were so adamant about privacy and focused on not disclosing anything to anyone. For a very long time this person’s primary concern was making sure anything between us remained that way. Clearly their desire for non-disclosure was a one way street. They on the other hand spoke of circumstances no one else should know and shared with others openly. This bothers me because I consider myself an honest person and if I am privy to information I do not share for my personal benefit or for some hidden agenda as this person did. Anyone who has known me understands that I am very careful about the way I speak and that I value friends. Friendships to me are everything. The silver lining of this situation is that I did nothing wrong and I can walk with my head held high. But, when you share experiences with someone you definitely expect someone who truly values your friendship to treat the confidence given with respect. Unfortunately that did not occur. I am fine with it for two reasons. First, it does not affect me in any way since I did nothing offensive, illegal, questionable or wrong…all I did was be honest… secondly it confirms my decision to end that friendship. Things between us hit a rough patch and I figured time apart would settle our tempers and allow some space to heal and eventually be friendly again; at this point I don’t even want too. But on the bright side, I have some fuel for my next long run.