Obviously there are other things going on that take the heart out of me…stuff I never share and only my voice gives away. I have practiced a lot making sure my face gives as little as possible, but my voice is not as malleable. In the coming days/week I will be praying a lot, and hopefully going in some new directions. I dread making rushed decisions especially over important things, it really bothers me and 9/10 it is not the right one. Where to begin? Sidenote: Something that has always bothered me is the concept of forever; when does forever start? You think of diamonds, space, etc, as going on forever…no one ever talks about that first step. There is so little associated with or in regards to the beginning. It seems to be to be either about the journey, or the fact that the journey ended or was completed, but rarely what made you start. Anyway, that was a side note, but it does bug me.
I really miss trail running. The last month has been terrible training wise. My level of fitness has decreased significantly. Also my legs just don’t feel strong; they feel like stiff and rigid as if their function was to not move. I know its maybe an after marathon slump or the pre-race depression a lot of runners have, but I don’t think so. I took LA like a training run as I am planning to do for the AR50. I want to be able to keep going, and for that I have to be smart and practice that patience muscle which seems to have atrophied almost to non-existence. I do miss the trails though…jumping over rocks bouncing of the sides of a single track dirt path with no idea where it goes and not really caring about the beginning or the end…just the present, being fully immersed in the act of being present and nothing else, that’s gold.